What it is like to parent a child who can never be left alone

When your baby is born you promise them the world. You promise to look after them, keep them safe and be there for them. When they are tiny and lying so innocently in your arms fully dependent upon others to meet all their needs it is so easy to promise them you will never leave them.
The reality is though that children grow. As they grow they need to learn responsibility, resilience, and independence and all three of these require periods of not being constantly supervised by a parent. I want to say I never ever set out to be over bearing, or a so called ‘helicopter parent’ or paranoid in any way.

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Unfortunately though life changed the way I parent my son. He has multiple difficulties and wether I want to or not he simply can NOT be left unattended at any time, even at age 8.
Going to the bathroom is such a huge risk I leave the door wide open so I can see him and hear him, or I take him with me. Simple tasks like tidying the kitchen can only be done if I am able to see him completely or he is in the same room as me. If I leave the house for any reason I have no choice but to take him with me. I can only shower or bath when he is at school unless there is another adult here to watch his every move. Even popping to the car in my own driveway is a risk I can not take most days.
I do not want to live like this but I have no choice. I am fully aware how damaging this level of hyper-vigilance is to my son and to myself but I am actually doing it because there really is no other way. School have to show the same level of vigilance as do his respite centre so it isn’t just me.

He simply can not be left alone, ever.

Here are a few reasons why:

1. He has no language.

That poses huge risks. He can not ask for help, or shout if in danger. He can not ask to reach something that could fall on top of him and he can not tell us where he wants to go. So I have to be with him.

2. He has no concept of danger. 

He would open the house door and stand right in the middle of a motorway and have no idea. He would eat grass or dog faeces or climb out a window. He would play with knives or drink bleach. I can not leave him for his own safety.

3. He sensory seeks all the time.

He seeks out water but can not swim. He seeks out lights…even if these are car headlights. He loves the noise of smashed glass…he climbs…he swings on doors…he bites and kicks…for his own safety and the safety of others he MUST be supervised.

4. He is violent.IMG_0449

One minute he can be the most loving, gently child but that can change in a moment and he can attack someone. While I know some of his ‘triggers’ for the safety of his sister he can not be left in a room alone with her or anyone else.

5. He smears.

As awful as this is to talk about it is real for so many families. Left alone for less than a minute and so much damage is done. No-one benefits from the clear up and the less it happens the better for everyone.

6. He eats everything.

Bedding is a current favourite but we have had clothing, toys, jigsaws, paper, pencils, lego, teddies and money all eaten regularly. The danger of that is very obvious and unless we wish to have a season ticket to the local hospital he MUST be watched.

7. He destroys.

He is the master of opportunity. Sensory seeking, no concept of danger, little awareness of cause and reaction and no understanding of empathy mean he has fed his sisters tropical fish milk, talcum powder, full tubs of fish food and several Thomas tank engine trains. He has thrown and broken expensive technology like iPads and cameras, he has blocked the toilet with all sorts and poured all manner of things into the bath tub. While he may have no understanding of his actions we do and it is vital this behaviour is prevented as much as possible. The only way to ensure that happens is to be always vigilant.

8. He has seizures.

Medically the consequences of leaving him unattended could be fatal. He has had seizures at the top of flights of stairs, outside and during the night. He could choke on his own vomit, badly injure himself or knock himself out. He must be watched.

9. He is vulnerable.

While he may be living in his own ‘bubble’ sadly he is at high risk for bullying and abuse or wandering off. As his mother I have to protect him. That means having to be with him. It is hard to trust when he has no communication to tell me anything.
People tell me I need to relax and that he needs to learn independence. What they don’t understand is that he never will be independent. The level of care he has now is what is likely to have to be in place throughout his adult life. It really is the only way to keep him safe and to keep others safe too.

I am tired. I cry. My life is severely restricted by the needs of another person. If I want my son to stay alive and have any quality of life I have no choice but to never leave him alone.
What’s it like to parent a child who can never be left alone? 
Lonely.

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I’m not perfect but I am perfect for them


I have a confession to make: I got annoyed at my children today! What? You have done that too? Seriously why are we so afraid as parents to admit we are less than perfect.

 
Last week I took my kids to the dentist at the wrong time. I sent my son to school the week before without any lunch. He is not able to talk so could not tell anyone. I blame sleep deprivation personally.

 
I do my best. It is what we all do. 

 
But still we never seem to feel we get it right all the time. That feeling is magnified when your children have extra support needs.

 
I remember eagerly buying push along toys, walkers and sit on cars for my toddlers, only to have them sit unused in a corner as my son was three before he walked, by which time they were all far too small for him. I tried to do the right thing, the ‘perfect’ thing, but for my children it was anything but perfect.

 
I sang nursery rhymes with my babies. I read to them, talked to them all the time and blew bubbles. Yet still my 8 year old to this day can’t say a word. I did all the right things but for him it just wasn’t to be.

 
I bought this wonderful potty for my kids. You know the ones that sing to them when they pee and even looks like a toilet. That was a total disaster!

 
I took my pre-schoolers to museums, cafes, soft plays, garden centres and farms. One of them screamed all the time and the other was terrified. What seemed the perfect thing to do was in fact anything but for my autistic children who struggled with sensory overload everywhere we went. 

 
imageSo I decided to stop being the perfect parent and instead become the perfect parent to THEM. That meant taking my son to see lifts. It meant taking them on train rides and joining in games of lining up toys. It meant accepting them for just who they are and allowing them to be autistic.

 
The best toys I ever bought them were second hand. I gave up full time work to care for them so I can attend all their meetings, keep up with all their teams of professionals and ensure they get the support they both need. It means I am there to keep the routine they need to feel secure and calm my son when he is in meltdown.

 
Being the perfect parent for them means sometimes making the same meal every night for a week just to see them eat. It means trailing shops to find the only juice my daughter will drink. It means cutting out labels in their clothes and ensuring the materials are soft and not too ‘busy’ so as not to upset them. img_0046It means reading the same bedtime story every night for two years in exactly the same way. It is answering the same question for the hundredth time and remaining patient.

 
Do I get annoyed at them? Of course I do. I am human. Do I annoy them? Absolutely! Do we love each other and hug often? Yes we do. 

 
I am never going to be that parent who shows off a shelf full of trophies my child won at dancing or football. I am not going to be the parent who home makes Halloween costumes or bakes the most incredible birthday cakes. My kids have way too much screen time than is recommended and my son can’t even write his own name at 8 years old!

 
But I know what triggers a meltdown in my son and how to avoid it. I know what makes my daughters anxiety reach sky high and can work through this with her. I know the limitations of my sons eye sight and the fact he can not see pale colours. I know exactly what reading book my daughter has this week and what characters she is into just now. I know their routines for bedtime and school days and follow them like a robot so as not to upset them.

 
Those things don’t make me the perfect mum, but they do make me perfect for them.

 
I am blessed to have them. We are blessed to have each other. None of us are perfect but together we are the perfect team.

What if his challenging behaviour is actually a cry for help?

If you were walking home in the dark one night and heard a female screaming for help would you see those screams as challenging behaviour?

What if you were in a hospital and heard a child cry? Would you see that as challenging or would you be more sympathetic?

We all understand the lady screaming on a dark night is desperate for help. We all understand the child crying in hospital is scared and does not understand what is going on around him.

So why when my child with learning difficulties and autism screams and cries does everyone suddenly see it differently?
Professionals have labelled my child as having ‘challenging behaviour’. He kicks, pulls hair, scratches, bites, screams, cries, throws himself down stairs, throws objects in temper, head butts the floor, and attacks people. He is now almost my height and a third of my weight. He is only eight!
He can also be loving, gently, funny, happy, warm, lovely and wonderful. 

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Like the lady screaming in fright on a dark night there are times he is scared. Right now he is terrified of open doors. His anxiety soars making his adrenaline pump through his little body to an extent he has to react. His challenging behaviour is his way of communicating fear and anxiety.

Professionals tell us to restrain him, speak to him calmly and discipline him. Would we do this to the lady screaming on a dark night? Most people would in fact rush to help her yet people seem to rush to get away from my son when he has the same feelings of life being out of control. Both scream…both are full of fear…yet we call one challenging behaviour and the other simply a means of communicating for help in a desperate situation. Perhaps we need to realise both are the same?

Like the little child we hear crying in the hospital ward who is worried, in pain, and not understanding what is going on around him so too is my son at times when we take him places he isn’t familiar with or he doesn’t want to be there. Why do we have sympathy for a little child in a hospital ward yet look in distain at my son when he cries at the supermarket aisle? 
My son has no speech. Behaviour is his way of getting his message across. How can he communicate that he did not want chicken nuggets for his dinner? One way is to throw them at me. Instead of punishing that behaviour or seeing it as challenging I prefer to see it as communication and frustration at not being able to say what he wanted. I don’t want to encourage his behaviour but until I can teach him a better way of communication I have to understand his method of ‘speech.’

When he drags me out the door and onto the street some professionals feel I should ignore him or restrain him. How then would he be able to show me the reason for his fear?


Yes I would love him to be calmer, happier and less physical at times. I do discipline and teach him as his difficulties allow but I want society to stop seeing my child as simply having challenging behaviour and see him as a child crying for help exactly like a woman on a dark night or a little boy in a hospital ward.

 
Perhaps the challenge in his behaviour is actually a challenge to society? What if the challenging behaviour is actually a cry for help that we are all ignoring?

 
Perhaps in that case we need to challenge our own thoughts and not his behaviour?

The secret epidemic affecting special needs parents

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I had a message from a fellow special needs parent this week. Two words of that message have impacted on me greatly. She wrote:

I’m struggling

It is so common for me to hear this. It is the centre piece of every support group, the most common theme on online  forums, the single most heard words when I meet up with people.

For some of those parents it is so bad that I encourage them to see a doctor for support.

In my years as a special needs parent I have found there is a secret epidemic affecting so many special needs parents and it needs talked about: We need to talk about depression.

Depression in the special needs mum or dad is so understandable but too often goes unnoticed.

People see a mum crying and think she is having a bad day. What they don’t know about is all the other nights she cried in private and no-one knew.

My eyes are more tuned to see people struggling since I have walked that path. I know what it is like to look at my child and worry for his future. I know what it is like to feel there is no hope. I recognise that feeling of failure when you realise your child is just not developing as they should. I know the pain of taking your child to hospital when they should be outside playing with friends.

It is isolating when your child has special needs and it is ok to admit that.

Society sadly expects us to be positive, upbeat and encouraging and often I see parents who are so emotionally overwhelmed, so sleep deprived, so beaten down by the system, that they have so little hope.

When you have a child who struggles in school everyday, a child who won’t eat, or has no friends, or is being bullied for being different, or who can not play in a park as the equipment is unsuitable for their needs, how would you feel? If you child was denied the support they need, or could not communicate, or is living in pain every day would you not be heartbroken?

Is it any wonder there is an epidemic of depression among parents of children with autism?

While so many are on medication, and this is vital, we also as a society need to recognise that special needs parenting is exhausting and draining.

Medication is wonderful but what about better support and understanding for our children, better care for those in society who are full time carers, training for staff so they can better meet the needs of the most vulnerable, and a society less prone to judge and quicker to encourage?

The current epidemic of depression among autism families is concerning but what worries me more is that continual budget cuts and ignorance in society is breeding not only depression among the parents but sadly I am now seeing siblings, and even special needs children themselves, struggling with the same issues.

We need to recognise this epidemic and do something about it now.

Don’t ever be afraid to tell someone you a real struggling. Don’t ever be afraid to ask for help. Together we can support each other and help make a better future for us and our children.

 

This post first appeared here.

What if you can’t be Santa to your children?

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I wandered into the shop happily but walked out with silent tears.The music played ‘Santa Claus is coming to town’ and it was just too much. What do you do if Santa Claus can’t come to your town? What if you DON’T want it to be Christmas every day?

What if you can’t be ‘Santa’ to your children?

I am not sure at what age it dawned on me that all those years of having gifts from ‘Santa’ were in actual fact from my parents, but once you know things change. For some it becomes anger that they were lied to, for others disappointment that life is not quite as fairy tale as they would like it to be, and for some it brings a greater respect for their parents as they realise how much they sacrificed to make them happy growing up.

Then you become a parent yourself and this whole ‘Santa’ thing becomes something altogether different. I must admit I have never made a huge thing of it to my own two children but somehow it just seemed the ‘done’ thing that even on their first Christmas (when they were in actual fact just seven weeks old!) they had something from that man in red.

And so it continued year after year with little thought or reflection. No-one wants to have the only kid who got nothing from ‘Santa’. Friends, family and even strangers spent the last week of the year asking children ‘what did you get from Santa?’ Parents smile smugly as children rhyme off expensive gifts and the entire contents of Christmas stockings to anyone who will listen.

I want my children to be able to do that. I want my children to be happy. But this year I can’t be Santa to them.

Now before you get all upset and feel sorry for my children this is not what this post is about at all. My children are blessed. They are happy, warm, loved and have an abundance of toys and games. They haven’t asked for anything hugely expensive this year nor have they demanded something that is out of stock the world over.

In actual fact they haven’t asked for anything because one is non verbal, they both have autism, and one has significant learning difficulties and developmental delay.

What if you can’t be ‘Santa’ to your children because they have no list yet again this year, they have no desire for toys or games and no idea what Christmas is about?

They would be happy watching glittering lights sparkle sitting on your knee or looking at a book together. They gain value more from the touch of your hand in theirs than a pile of neatly wrapped presents from a stranger who apparently came down the chimney during that night.

I can’t be Santa to my children because they have no concept of him. Sometimes that brings silent tears to my eyes when the world is full of parents rushing about checking off lists and hoping and checking for new stock online so as not to disappoint their child.

My silent tears are not for me though. They are in fact for those very parents, who like so many before them, are desperate to be the best Santa their child could dream of.

I am so incredibly blessed. I am so infinitely content. I can’t be Santa to my children but I get to be mum to them instead. I get to read the real Christmas story to them while they happily gaze at those twinkling lights; I get to sing carols to them while they smile up at me; I get to hear their laughter and joy all the time thankful for their health and happiness for another year. Those are things Santa could never bring.

Parents, enjoy being Santa to your children this year but never forget that your gift of time with your children and your love are things that may not be on your child’s Christmas list this year but those are the things they will remember much longer than any toys or electronics.

We can’t always be Santa and give our children everything in life they desire but that is OK. Opening up the latest ‘must have’ toy may bring immediate smiles but lasting joy and contentment comes from parents who provide all year round not just on 25th December.

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Sometimes it all gets a bit too much

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I took this photo of my daughter recently in a busy shopping centre. It had all just got a bit much for her.

The noise of so many voices. The smell of so many different foods combined with the smell of people and everything the shops were selling. The brightness of the lights. The sense of dizziness as we walked in and out of different shops that were different temperatures, had different flooring and so many colours all around her. The constant thud of feet walking on the tiled floors. The bombardment of music and announcements. The lack of personal space in busy lifts and shops.

She could not wait to find a seat. She could not go on any further. So right where she was she sat down silently.

I left her sit alone at first. But after a while I sat right beside her. At first she was silent unable to even voice how hard it all was for her. Eventually she just said it was all a bit too much.

I may not have autism but I can so relate to that feeling too.

When she was ready we both got up and headed home.

I didn’t have to take a photo of her that day but I did it for two reasons:

Firstly I want to remember what happened so that I can try and help her before it gets to this stage again. As the shops get busier leading up to Christmas and the music, smells, and lights all get even greater I want to be able to keep a close eye on my daughter before it all gets a bit too much for her. It is my responsibility to pick up on her cues and notice the signs that things are stressing her. Perhaps I can learn from this powerful image and prevent her being so overwhelmed before we reach that point of freezing again.

Secondly I took the picture that day because seeing her on that floor while the whole world carried on made me realise something so important: sometimes we forgot that in the busyness of our lives others are struggling right in front of us. While I kept a close eye on my daughter that day my eyes were suddenly opened to the elderly man who was sitting alone having a coffee and the young mum struggling out of the nearby lift with two small children. From the look on their faces and their body language they both looked like it was all a bit much for them that day too. I vowed then and there never to be too busy to not notice when others are struggling right in front of me.

Once home I showed my daughter the photograph I had taken and asked if I could use it on this blog. ‘Yes’, she said ‘but tell people I am ok now. It was all a bit much but it gets better.’

My daughter realised she had sensory overload. Things had built up so much that morning that she needed time out. It happens to everyone sometimes.

Take time to sit alone in life. It is nothing to be ashamed of. A little time out is something we all need now and again. Perhaps someone will even sit beside you and support you though it too. I really hope so. No-one should be alone when it all gets a bit too much in life.

This post first appeared on Firefly

The nine household items responsible for meltdowns in my autistic children.

Don’t they look so sweet and happy?

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That’s because they usually are!

Yet all that can change in an instant when they see or hear certain household items. There are certain things pretty much every home has that cause both of these little angels to go into complete sensory meltdown in the blink of an eye. They become terrified, traumatised and tearful and we often end up exhausted.

So what could be the cause of such fear you may ask?

Here are the top household items that cause meltdowns in my children with autism (in no particular order).

1. The vacuum cleaner.

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Just the very appearance of this cleaner causes both children to run for the hills with their ears covered! It’s noisy, smelly, changes the carpets and moves their toys. Wisdom has taught me to keep this machine firmly in the cupboard until the kids are out of the way.

2. The hairdryer.

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I have tried to get them to hold it, turn it on and off and even use it on me but no, this item is more like a raoring lion than a plastic air blower to them. Every single time it is needed to be used they fight it even if it is only for my hair. I doubt either of them has a future in hairdressing!

3. Nail clippers.

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Oh boy you have never seen a meltdown until you see my children react to these little things! They run, hide and scream so loud I am surprised my neighbours have never called the police to us. They would rather have nails jagging into them or so long their shoes no longer fit than have me take five minutes to gently use nail clippers. Even the highest trained manicurist would struggle to contain the fear my kids have for nail trimming.

4. The shower.

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We are blessed to have a bath (in which my kids would happily spend all night in) but sometimes for speed it would be lovely to have them step into the shower quickly before school or after garden play. I may as well suggest being eaten alive by a crocodile! Showers in swimming pools, caravans and hotels are avoided like the plague!

5. A hair brush.

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I am a gentle parent, that much I promise you! I brush their hair slowly and calmly and never pull or tug but we still have a huge daily battle to get hair brushed or combed. Gel, spray or mouse is never well recieved so I settle for a basic brush most days. I pray they never ever get the dreaded head lice!

6. The hair trimmer.

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I dread the time we have to use these. We have tried barbers and hairdressers but after badly cut ears, and even being banned from one local barbers we decided to try doing it ourselves. It gets so bad I find myself using a number one so that we can go a lot longer before it is required again. It takes days for my son to recover from a hair cut of any sort.

7. Toothpaste and toothbrush.

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I don’t think there is a brand of toothpaste we haven’t tried in a vain attempt to get my children to brush their teeth. They are too strong, too minty, too lumpy or too colourful! It never ceases to amaze me that my child chews everything he can get his hands on yet goes crazy at the sight of a toothbrush…something that is actually designed to go in his mouth! We have tried apps on the iPad, songs, timers, character toothpaste and brushes and visual timetables but the sensory overload of brushing seems to cause us to hit a brick wall every night. Dentistry is another career choice I reckon I can score off the list for them both!

8. The food mixer.

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Thankfully this gadget isn’t used as often as the others but every time it is used we have meltdown city. It is loud, it vibrates and it makes it impossible for them to stay in the same room. I am eternally grateful it is only ever used for a few minutes although the calming down of the children takes so much longer!

9. Socks.

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Yes you read that right! Socks! They don’t make noise, or make them wet or even go in their mouths yet socks drive my children nuts! We have tried the seemless variety and every colour under the sun but it seems anything that covers their feet is unbearable and ought to be binned. We have had socks thrown out of car windows, left in school, flushed down the toilet and hidden at the bottom of the toy box. They are the last item of clothing put on before school and the first items to come off. Cold feet (with uncut nails!) is the way forward apparently!

As long as my children have no shower, long nails with no socks on, wet (uncut) hair that hasn’t been brushed and unclean teeth and my carpets are not vacuumed all is happy in my household!

They don’t seem to see the problems…unfortunately I do!

If you happen to walk past my house and hears screaming you can take a bet on which household item of these I tried using.

While the kids are at school I am off to have a shower, brush my teeth, dry my hair and trim my nails…and put socks on. It will be nice to do them all meltdowns free for once!