Why I will no longer say I hate summer holidays…even though I do!


My husband and I were having cross words again. Extreme lack of sleep, hardly getting time to eat and a house that looks like a toy shop was burgled, added to constantly demanding children and it was no wonder we were fractious.

 
Summer holidays are so hard.

In fact part of me actually hates them. 

We need a break”

“I just want the house to be clean and some time alone!”

“I hate the summer holidays”

 
They heard us.

 
I just unwittingly and unfortunately stabbed my child in the heart with my words. 

 
Silence.

 
We made ourselves a coffee and regrouped. Stress affects everyone and this summer has been particular stressful for my family. My autistic son has really struggled to adapt to change but once he realised there was no school he assumed every single day would be simply about what he wanted. When that does not happen he screams for hours (he has complex needs and is non verbal so none of this is his fault)

 
I made the kids (yet another) snack and we all calmed down.

 
Then a little tender voice broke the silence:

 
Mum, it’s ok. I will go back to school and just stay there. Please don’t collect me at home time because I want you to be happy”

 
And then she cried. Deep sadness overtook her and I held her as the pain of my earlier careless words wrecked havoc in her mind and her heart.

 
I do hate the school holidays. I hate them even more now.

 
Parents, like all adults, need to be able to express their emotions. They get stressed and tired and we really are just humans at the end of the day.

 
But I don’t hate my children. In fact I love them and enjoy being with them more than anything else. 

 
What I hate about the holidays is this:
I hate that holiday companies are allowed to ridiculously inflate their prices in school holidays preventing so many from getting away.

I hate that family attractions cost so much that they are out of reach for many.

I hate that everyday tasks like shopping are so much more stressful because children want to do fun things and get bored at everyday mundanity.

I hate that my children see parts of me they shouldn’t because the constant 24/7 means I can’t rest or eat without them.

I hate how isolated and alone my family becomes due to having a child with complex needs.

 
But despite all this I will never ever say again in front of my child that I hate the summer holidays.

 
She does not need to hear this.

Her mental health is of far greater value than my need to vent. 

 
Children hear us. What are they hearing when we say we hate summer holidays? They are hearing we hate spending time with them. They hear they are not wanted and they are an inconvenience to mum and dad. They hear that they are the cause of stress. They hear that they are making their parents sad. They hear we hate them.

 
So from today onwards I may vent in adult only places such as social media, I may text privately a friend to moan, I may even write my stress down BUT I will no longer utter those words again when my child can hear.
I love her way too much for that.

 
She is the reason I will never say again publicly that I hate summer holidays, even though I do. 

 
Something to think about perhaps?

For the love of my child

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I will endure months of feeling sick and exhausted, and craving food combinations that are totally crazy just knowing it is because you are inside me.
I will face needles and tests and personal questions by strangers because you are changing my body in ways it has never been changed before.
I will research car seats and prams and clean areas of my house that haven’t seen a duster in years because I want to protect you.
I will endure pain on a level I never thought existed before for many hours on end just in order to give you life.
And when I first hold you all this will forever disappear from my memory because you are worth it.
For the love of my child.

I will repeatedly feed you, wind you, change you, and comfort you in a never ending cycle day and night because you need it.
I will exchange current pop music for lullabies, fashion heels for slippers and home cooked meals for a cold cup of coffee because I just want to be with you.
I will spend all night holding you while googling ‘help for colic’ or ‘cures for the teething baby’ because I only want the best for you.
I will cry when you say ‘mamma’ and video you when you take your first steps because I never knew what pride was until you came into my life.
For the love of my child

I will watch you with wonder, photograph you in the hope of remembering every last detail of your day, because I want to remember you.
I will measure medicine to the exact fraction of a millilitre, and cut grapes into tiny pieces to prevent you choking because you make me scared sometimes.
I will play make-believe games with you and talk to you like you are the most amazing person in the world because every moment with you is precious.
I will plan birthday surprises, take you to parks and splash in water at the pool with you because you make me smile everyday.
For the love of my child.

I will bubble on your first day of school and cheer you on at sports days because you are everything to me.
I will encourage you to do homework even when it is challenging for both of us because I want to teach you.
I will push you to go that bike or practice that dance recital because I believe in you.
I will nag you to brush teeth, wash your hair and be the best you can possibly be, because you are beautiful to me.
For the love of my child.

I will sometimes seem like your biggest enemy whilst always remaining your greatest ally, because we are too alike.
I will listen to your worries and hear the latest ins and outs of all your daily issues because I care deeply.
I will watch as you change from a toddler to a child to a teenager while it seemed like I was dozing because time passes far too quickly.
I will drive you places I would never go myself and buy you clothes that I have no idea what part of you they will cover because I respect your choices.
For the love of my child.

I will be overcome with emotion and pride at everything you achieve even if it seems trivial to you because my heart belongs to you.
I would spent my last penny on a new car for you or to see you through university because no sacrifice is too great for you.
I cover my walls in your photographs because my memory needs reminded so often of everything about you.
And even if I die I want the world to know that I lived my life and did it all
For the love of my child.

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The seven hurtful things people say about my child with an eating disorder

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My beautiful blue eyed daughter has recently been diagnosed with an eating disorder at the tender age of seven. While some people have been very supportive others have said some things that really hurt. Here are the most hurtful things I have been told so far:

1. She will eat when she is hungry!
No she will not. If she did she would not have been diagnosed with an eating disorder. She doesn’t ask for food or drink and is not aware when she is hungry. She would go all day without drinking or eating and not even realise.

2. That is what happens when you give in to fussy children!
So is giving my daughter the food she will actually eat and keeping her alive giving in to her? So the fact she would starve herself to the point of requiring medical attention should be ignored just so that I don’t ‘give in’ to her? In that case when you next go to a restaurant or take away don’t bother looking through the menu at what you would like just take whatever they give you and eat it! There is a clear distinction between a child with fussy eating, a child with major sensory issues and a child with a complex eating disorder.

3. Maybe if you let her make it she would eat it.
My daughter enjoys making cakes and dinners and puddings. She enjoys shopping for ingredients and following recipes. But she still refuses to eat it. There is a big difference between cooking and eating. While some children’s issues include handling, mixing and cooking food, my daughter will happily participate in these activities until you ask anything to pass her mouth. I wish I could explain why that is, but I can’t.

4. Can’t you just force feed her?
That seems like abuse to me. Yes there have been times where I have had to almost force vital medications into her and spoon feed her yoghurt or pureed fruit just to get something inside her. But force feeding her would not only have a huge phycological impact on her metal wellbeing but it would also send her the message that she has no control or choice. When I tried feeding her before she would simply vomit it back up. She needs to be able to control what goes inside her mouth and learn that food is good. I need to teach her that eating is positive and not a forced issue that creates distrust and upset.

5. You should try taking cookery classes. Maybe she just doesn’t like your cooking?
This is implying that I am the cause of my child’s mental disorder. Thank you for that! Are you aware I have another child who not only loves my cooking but often wants more and eats vegetables, fruit, salad and a good range of meats and carbohydrates? Have you seen the meals I make for my children? I don’t need guilt heaped on me on top of the stress I already have. That only makes things worse.

6. They never had such rubbish in my days. You just ate what was put in front of you when I was young.
I am so glad you were able to eat the food you were given. I am very confident there would have been children and adults around in ‘your day’ who also had eating disorders you just may not have been aware of them. As awareness grows and more people are willing to talk about these things the more it may ‘appear’ to increase, though I believe it has always been there.

7. Let me have her for a week and I will cure her.
Thank you once again for making me feel inferior and inadequate. What you may not realise is that I would never put my daughter through the stress and anxiety of living with anyone else for a week. Her issues run deep and she requires patience, understanding and love. I would love one day for her to be ‘cured’ but until then we work daily with psychologists,┬áher school, paediatricians and a dietician to monitor her mental well being and physical health. Would you manage to juggle all of that?

Eating disorders and mental health in young children are so often misunderstood. Every single day is hard to watch my beautiful baby struggle with something as basic as eating. It is heartbreaking to watch her lose weight. It is scary thinking of the future. She needs support and understanding, not judgement or pressure.

So what could you say to me instead?

How about ‘do you fancy a coffee and a chat?’ Or simply celebrate the good days with me when she perhaps manages her first ever packet of crisps or half of a banana?
We are not going anywhere. And sadly neither is her eating disorder.
Whatever the future holds I will be right there holding my daughters hand. We will get through this together.

Dear parent, please forgive me

Dear parent, please forgive me

I am trying to think what I need to buy for dinner tonight. I don’t need to hear your child screaming in my ear and shouting at you. Is the supermarket really the place to bring your child when they are like that?
Dear parent of THAT child…I am sorry I judged you. I am you now and it is tough. I had no right to look down on you or think wrong of you or your child. Please forgive me.

Oh really? I nearly knocked your child down in the middle of the road! Could you not keep a closer eye on them? Or even better teach them road sense!
Dear parent of THAT child…I now understand completely! One second was all it took! And you told them so often and yet they still did it. It just isn’t alway possible to hold them every single minute of every day. I went off at you that day. I am sorry. Please forgive me. And please look out for my child when you are driving too.

There is NO way I would let a child that age have a dummy in their mouth! That is appalling! It is so bad for their speech, their teeth and it looks terrible!
Did I seriously think that? Gosh I was so ignorant! Dear parent, I am sorry I judged you without thinking. I am now THAT parent with a seven year old clinging to dear life for his ‘dum dum’. I get it now! Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do and ignore others. I have no idea what battles your child was facing or what was causing them to need comfort that day. Who was I to judge? I am now back in that baby aisle with a child three quarters of my height and thinking of you.

Why would you put a child as old as that in a buggy when they should be walking! Honestly some parents are just so lazy and do anything for an easy life!
Someone should have slapped me! I am now THAT parent of a much older child who has only in the last year moved from a disability buggy to a wheelchair. I am still pushing him and I am sure many people think of me now as a lazy parent! If only they knew. If only I had known all those years ago!

I wasn’t nasty before I had children. But looking back I was judgemental. I knew about parenting. I was aware of disabilities.

But I was not living it.

I never knew that pain when you feel the world is staring at you in a supermarket because your child decides to have a hissy fit because you said no. I never knew that shock and adrenalin rush when you suddenly see a car approach your child who has wandered into the middle of the road and your heart misses a beat. I had idealistic views of children and the stages they should go through.

Dear parents, please forgive me.

I am now you. And this is harder than I ever thought it would be. I salute you. And I hope you forgive me.

From a parent who once looked down on you.

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