Why Would An 11 Year Old Want To Marry Her Brother?

Most 11 year old girls find their brothers annoying. My 11 year old daughter actually wants to marry her brother! Why?

Well at just eleven years old my daughter already knows her brother will need life long care. While other children her age are out playing with friends, having time out on video games or at after school activities she’s bathing her brother, making sure he is dried, helping dress him and reminding me to get his medication.

She’s never known anything else despite her brother being stronger, taller and at a different school to her.


She knows he can’t speak but knows exactly how to communicate with him. She plays with him, reads to him and soothes him when he cries. It’s beautiful but also heartbreaking; innocent but also concerning.


At eleven she knows already how vulnerable he is. She knows he will live at home and never be independent. She knows the chances of him learning self care skills like toileting, dressing, cooking and washing himself might never happen. She knows he will need full time care all his life.

She knows he won’t marry and she wants to marry him to make that happen.


As she used a flannel to gently bathe him I overhead the following:
‘One day I will marry you. Would you like that? (She waited for him to smile back and sign yes). That way you will be ok.’


I haven’t asked her to do any of this. She actually has more than enough of her own struggles to be contending with (autism, anxiety and eating issues to name a few) but her empathy and close bond with her brother is so natural and heartfelt.


Yet when I asked if she could access help as a young carer I was told she didn’t meet the strict criteria: she apparently wasn’t caring for him enough! Other than school and just three hours a week when she has a carer take her to activities (because I can’t take her anywhere due to having to care for her brother) she doesn’t ever get a break. Summer means seven weeks 24/7 with her brother as he gets zero respite in summer too.


She has witnessed seizures that have frightened her, surgery that has terrified her, meltdowns that have saddened her and self harming that has broken her heart…yet she was rejected from mental health services several times.


Of course she can’t marry her brother and neither should she even want to. She should have ambition, friends, a care free childhood and growing independence, but instead she worries if her brother will be ok when he gets older.


Why would an 11 year old want to marry her brother? Because she loves him so much that she’s terrified who will care for him when he’s an adult.

That’s not something any child should worry about but when she already sees how little support he gets now is it any wonder she worries for his future?

The fact any 11 year old girl is asking to marry her complex needs brother in order to know that he will be cared for should be a wake up call to us all. Her brother deserves better and she does too.

The Loneliness Of A Special Needs Sibling

It’s just after 6:30pm and her brother has just had a seizure in the bath. While her mum pulls him out and dries him her dad rushes upstairs to help.

And she was left alone.

It’s 11am at the retail park and suddenly her brother has disappeared. Her mum shouts his name and runs to the lift knowing her brother loves them, while her dad runs to the door to make sure her brother hasn’t ran into the car park.

And she was left alone again.

It’s 2:30pm on a Tuesday afternoon and she is with mum and her brother at yet another hospital appointment. Her brother’s height is taken, his weight measured and the eye specialist looks into her brother’s eyes while talking to mum in words she can’t understand.

And it feels like she isn’t there at all, even though she is.

Life feels all about her brother. She can only go places if HE is well enough, if HE can cope with it, if there is provision for disabled children. She hears others at school talk about zoos, trampoline parks and ice-skating rinks but she has never experienced those. She could tell them about tonic clonic seizures, communicating with a non verbal brother or what an occupational therapist does. She knows that isn’t what anyone wants to hear about though.

So she just stays quiet.

She does her own thing. She finds her own way of coping. She is the epitome of resilience, the definition of bravery, the personification of inner strength.

But she’s lonely. So very lonely.

She’s typical of so many siblings lost in the shadows while the limelight shines on the sick sibling, the disabled brother, or the struggling sister.

Expected to carry on with homework while her brother screams, to try and watch TV without complaining while her brother has a meltdown, to still sleep while her brother bangs toys throughout the night because he sees no need for sleep.

These are the siblings whose loneliness we don’t like to see. We don’t like to admit that disability affects the siblings as much, if not more, than the child who is diagnosed. It makes us uncomfortable to think we have caused an innocent child to experience mental pain while we care for the physical pain of another child. We hope beyond hope that things will settle and one day we will ‘make it up to them’ for the times we couldn’t make their school play because their brother was sick or in hospital. But that day never seems to come.

So she just carries on.

Until one day she says ‘it feels like I am invisible sometimes.’

Then you realise the utter loneliness, the repeated rejection she had felt and the fear she experiences daily. You vow to change things but nothing, nothing, will take away her loneliness.

I promise you siblings, you are NOT invisible. You are the real hero’s in all this. You are the ones who’s smile keeps everyone going, whose humour brings life and whose strength inspires.

You may feel lonely but you are never alone.

I promise you so many other siblings understand and they have been where you are.

You got the raw deal here and I’m sorry.

This post first appeared here. Do check out my other blogs on Firefly (www.fireflyfriends.com) and my regular updates and thoughts on my Facebook page (faithmummy).