My beautiful blue eyed daughter has recently been diagnosed with an eating disorder at the tender age of seven. While some people have been very supportive others have said some things that really hurt. Here are the most hurtful things I have been told so far:
1. She will eat when she is hungry!
No she will not. If she did she would not have been diagnosed with an eating disorder. She doesn’t ask for food or drink and is not aware when she is hungry. She would go all day without drinking or eating and not even realise.
2. That is what happens when you give in to fussy children!
So is giving my daughter the food she will actually eat and keeping her alive giving in to her? So the fact she would starve herself to the point of requiring medical attention should be ignored just so that I don’t ‘give in’ to her? In that case when you next go to a restaurant or take away don’t bother looking through the menu at what you would like just take whatever they give you and eat it! There is a clear distinction between a child with fussy eating, a child with major sensory issues and a child with a complex eating disorder.
3. Maybe if you let her make it she would eat it.
My daughter enjoys making cakes and dinners and puddings. She enjoys shopping for ingredients and following recipes. But she still refuses to eat it. There is a big difference between cooking and eating. While some children’s issues include handling, mixing and cooking food, my daughter will happily participate in these activities until you ask anything to pass her mouth. I wish I could explain why that is, but I can’t.
4. Can’t you just force feed her?
That seems like abuse to me. Yes there have been times where I have had to almost force vital medications into her and spoon feed her yoghurt or pureed fruit just to get something inside her. But force feeding her would not only have a huge phycological impact on her metal wellbeing but it would also send her the message that she has no control or choice. When I tried feeding her before she would simply vomit it back up. She needs to be able to control what goes inside her mouth and learn that food is good. I need to teach her that eating is positive and not a forced issue that creates distrust and upset.
5. You should try taking cookery classes. Maybe she just doesn’t like your cooking?
This is implying that I am the cause of my child’s mental disorder. Thank you for that! Are you aware I have another child who not only loves my cooking but often wants more and eats vegetables, fruit, salad and a good range of meats and carbohydrates? Have you seen the meals I make for my children? I don’t need guilt heaped on me on top of the stress I already have. That only makes things worse.
6. They never had such rubbish in my days. You just ate what was put in front of you when I was young.
I am so glad you were able to eat the food you were given. I am very confident there would have been children and adults around in ‘your day’ who also had eating disorders you just may not have been aware of them. As awareness grows and more people are willing to talk about these things the more it may ‘appear’ to increase, though I believe it has always been there.
7. Let me have her for a week and I will cure her.
Thank you once again for making me feel inferior and inadequate. What you may not realise is that I would never put my daughter through the stress and anxiety of living with anyone else for a week. Her issues run deep and she requires patience, understanding and love. I would love one day for her to be ‘cured’ but until then we work daily with psychologists, her school, paediatricians and a dietician to monitor her mental well being and physical health. Would you manage to juggle all of that?
Eating disorders and mental health in young children are so often misunderstood. Every single day is hard to watch my beautiful baby struggle with something as basic as eating. It is heartbreaking to watch her lose weight. It is scary thinking of the future. She needs support and understanding, not judgement or pressure.
So what could you say to me instead?
How about ‘do you fancy a coffee and a chat?’ Or simply celebrate the good days with me when she perhaps manages her first ever packet of crisps or half of a banana?
We are not going anywhere. And sadly neither is her eating disorder.
Whatever the future holds I will be right there holding my daughters hand. We will get through this together.