Is your other kid normal?

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‘Is your other kid normal?’

How would you feel if someone asked you that?

Before I let you know how I reacted to that I want to start by looking at the dictionary definition of ‘normal’.

According to The Oxford English Dictionary the word ‘normal’ means: conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.

In other words this stranger was implying my son is not standard, or usual, or what was expected. He does not fit societies stereotypical idea of a seven year old. He is different. He is unique. To the stranger he stood out as exceptional and out of the ordinary.

Do you know how proud that makes me of my son?

I love that he is different. I love that he does things in his own way, at his own time and he has no concept of following the crowd. I delight in the ways he shows excitement by flapping, making high pitched noises and spinning. I smile when I watch him making his own delicacies like pizza with custard and yoghurt with mashed potato. I find it refreshing how he would rather watch lift doors than spend money on toys. I dance around with him in glee at watching yet another person use the hand dryers in the public bathrooms.

He is funny. He is loveable. He is energetic. He gets bored clothes shopping and thinks he knows better than me at times. Those are all ‘normal’ things that seven year old boys do!

He has brown hair, Hazel eyes and a love of technology. He is average height and weight for his age and even his shoe size is right on target!

So why would a stranger ask me if my other kid was normal?

She looked at my sons disability. She looked at the fact he is unable to speak. She looked at his poor balance, his different mannerisms and noises and she saw him as less, not conforming and not typical. Her question implied I should be sad for having such a unique child and craving a child without any such challenges. Maybe I should be sad I have to see to his every need at seven? Maybe I should be broken hearted he is not yet potty trained and not speaking?

I refuse to judge this stranger. Why? Well a part of me used to be there. My heart ached for the things my son could not do. My body ached pushing him around in a chair for all the years he could not walk. My ears would love to hear his voice.

Now I see my son differently. I see him as beautiful. I see him as wonderful.

He IS normal. His sister is normal too.

Normal according to the dictionary is conforming to a standard. If you see the standard as being human then there really is no such thing as not being normal.

So do you want to know how I replied?

I simply smiled and said softly ‘Yes. I am blessed with two amazing children. Thanks!’

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The most beautiful girl in the world

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Have you ever had a stranger do something so incredibly awesome it just makes you want to cry? I have. And it happened just this week. I pray the kindness and power of what the stranger did for me and my 4-year-old daughter impacts you the way it has impacted me. Some people make a mark on others lives that can never ever be erased.

We had went out as a family to a local place to eat. Everyday events like this have their challenges for every family but more so for mine due to the complexity of my sons needs and the fact we need to balance his needs with that of Naomi’s and somehow all need to get some chance of eating at least part of our meal. We could have chosen anywhere to eat but that night we opted for the local carvery. No waiting to get orders taken, the kids can see what they want on their plates and we can attempt to eat together without the usual demands for nuggets and fries.

Naomi is a challenge to feed in such places as her diet is so restricted and no-one wants a battle or tantrums in public. But a little mashed potato, a few selected vegetables and a little gravy got her picking at her dinner while quietly colouring in. Isaac had his usual loaded plate and was firing handfuls of food into his mouth like a child who had never seen a dinner before. I promise you they are twins but you would never believe it to see them eat!

However, even with food, Isaac’s attention span can only last a limited time and he was soon clambering over dad with food all over his face and fingers, wanting off to run around. A knowing look and wink of the eye was my signal that I was willing to take the strain tonight. To Isaac’s flapping, smiling delight he was getting mum. He brought a smile to my face even though I was missing out on a hot and delicious dinner yet again. But then I glanced at Naomi and my heart sank. Eyes bunched up with tears ready to explode at any minute, and a tender voice so timidly saying through her beautiful blue eyes ‘I want you to stay mummy’. Oh. This isn’t fair. They both need me so differently. And whatever I do one of them is about to protest publicly. I really must get that cardboard cut out of myself done. It’s the only way I can think of being in two places at once. And tonight I so want to be with both my babies.

I chose Isaac but prayed my daughter would know she wasn’t being rejected. I kissed her cheek quickly as Isaac vanished out of sight. ‘Come find mummy baby when you have finished your dinner.’ Oh Lord, this little girl is going through so much. She shouldn’t have to live like this. No wonder she has such tangible confidence issues and low self-esteem. No wonder she never wants to let mummy out of her sight. It must feel to her like she is second best, her wants and needs don’t matter, mummy prefers her brother. None of this is true but how do you balance the high needs of one child physically and communicationally with the high needs of the other socially and emotionally? Who is going to help the siblings of children with high needs? How can I let her know she is beautiful, clever, wanted and loved when my actions tell her I am walking away to see to the needs of her brother? Dad reassured her and encouraged her but it just wasn’t enough.

So my eyes were on my son but my heart was with my daughter. And God was about to use a stranger to impart a truth into her little life that would go deep into her inmost being.

As Isaac ran up and down in a little garden outside a group of strangers watched on as they drank and ate and talked. You could hardly ignore Isaac’s wild flapping, whooping noises and funny walk. But one young couple were watching him with smiling faces and pleasant eyes. And then little Naomi appeared and held my hand in the warm sunshine as we stood side by side watching her energetic brother. The smiling strangers asked if it was her brother to which she smiled and nodded. They invited us closer and handed her two coins, one for her and one for her brother. So very very kind of them. And without prompting Naomi said thank you.

We exchanged a brief conversation that her brother had special needs and that the children were twins. The lady reached into her handbag and fished for something. I hoped it wasn’t more money. She found what she was searching for and beckoned Naomi nearer. Looking my precious daughter in the eye she spoke lovingly and tenderly to her as she asked her a question.

“Would you like to see a picture of the most beautiful girl in the world?”

A whispered “yes”

To which the stranger opened a little love heart make up mirror and showed Naomi her reflection. To see my daughter smile and touch her reflection as she realised this stranger was talking about her was incredibly touching.

“You are so beautiful. Inside and out”
“Every time you look inside here remember you are special”

The words of a stranger. But exactly the words of God as well. Not to mention the exact words she needed to hear that day.

The lady gave her the mirror to keep and Naomi has barely let it go since.

I thanked the lady and her partner for the coins, the gift and the joy they had brought to my heart. But how do you truly thank a stranger for saying exactly what your 4-year-old needed to hear? I thank God once again for putting people across our path in exactly the right timing. And I thank God that the next time we go out it is mummy who will be staying with Naomi too.

I believe we all need to hear this message too. We can all feel left out at times, or second best or not loved. And every one of us needs to know that we are beautiful inside and out. We are special. And Naomi now loves to tell me “Mummy I am the most beautiful girl in the world”. Yes, baby girl, you are indeed.

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