How a Stranger’s Advice Helped my Autistic Daughter Overcome her Eating Issues

My daughter has always had struggles with food. From the moment she was weaned she has refused, spat out or thrown food away. Her weight has always been a concern yet no-one seemed to take me seriously.

That was until she was diagnosed with autism just before her 5th birthday and on her diagnosis letter they wrote about her limited diet and sensory avoidance with food.

I was so excited a year later when we finally received an appointment with a sensory trained occupational therapist for children with autism.

I was sure this professional would help us.

We tried everything she suggested. We did so many different ‘desensitisation’ activities like messy play, baking and play doh. We had fun with plastic food and real food and we looked through recipe books together.

Yet her eating remained as restricted as ever and her weight continued to drop.

Eventually the appointments drew further apart until there was nothing left to suggest.

If anything we had dropped foods and my little girl was living off small amounts of cows milk, licks of chocolate sandwich spread, peppa pig spaghetti and cheesy pasta from a well know pizza restaurant.

Then at 6 years old she became very ill with pneumonia and stopped eating altogether. It was terrifying! By this time I had managed to get her to drink one brand of orange squash to keep her from dehydration but then the manufacturers suddenly stopped making it and I broke down on the phone to them. (https://faithmummy.wordpress.com/2015/04/17/to-the-woman-on-the-helpline/)

I was watching my own daughter starve herself.

Miraculously we got through it but her eating was as restrictive as ever and we had an urgent referral to child and adolescent mental health. By urgent they really mean three to four months by which time things were at true crisis point. There was no fluid or food consumed the entire school day at this point and very little at home either.

We did everything that was suggested again. We dished up what we were having on a side plate but ignored it if it was refused. We lessened her anxiety by allowing technology at the kitchen table and gave basic food choices. We tried being strict. When that failed we tried being lenient. Nothing changed.

A year later child and adolescent mental health withdrew too.

We then saw a dietician whose plan was supplementary drinks. My daughter refused to drink them.

There were no professionals left to try.

We did everything the professionals suggested and still we could not get my daughter to eat.

Then one day I was chatting to an editor of a site I write for. She asked if I would write a blog for the site but she had a radical suggestion that changed everything. She asked if I could ask my 8 year old daughter why she didn’t like to eat.

A stranger suggested something simple but incredible: ask the child.

So I did. And she told me this: https://autismawareness.com/the-reason-i-dont-like-to-eat/

The site published the piece and it went viral. Thousands upon thousands were touched by the private thoughts of an 8 year old who struggled with eating.

Rachel had never met my daughter. She has no professional training in autism or eating disorders. She is not sensory trained nor a child phycologist. Yet her advice was so simple but life changing. I will never be able to repay Rachel for saving my daughter’s life.

It’s now seven months since that blog was written. When my daughter wrote that she only ate a tiny amount of foods. Her BMI was less than 14 and her weight was on the 0.74 percentile. In other words she was not even on the chart and she was dangerously underweight! She was pale and ill looking with dark circles under her eyes. She had no energy and her mental health was poor. There was a whole lot of talk about feeding tubes.

Naomi’s post reached over 282 thousand people just on the one site. Most importantly though it reached down into my heart. I read and reread her thoughts and radically changed how I fed my daughter.

I took meals to where she was.

I let her eat in whatever way she felt comfortable.

I made sure food never touched.

I stopped nagging her to eat.

I bought and cooked what she liked the way she liked it.

We stopped eating at the kitchen table and let her eat while watching you tube or TV.

Seven months later and no-one is talking about feeding tubes anymore. Her BMI is now 15.4 and she is on the 4th percentile on the chart for her weight. She now has twenty items she will eat compared to four seven months ago.

My daughter still has an eating disorder. She still has autism. But we are making progress thanks to one stranger’s life changing advice.

What can we all learn from this? Listen to what the person you are trying to help is saying. Really listen. What works for one person is not always right for another.

Oh and always be open to advice…even if it comes from a stranger!

Rachel holds a very special place in my life. She was the stranger who helped my autistic daughter overcome her eating issues.

There is no payment or thanks ever enough for something like that.

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Why I am proud my daughter won’t be in this year’s Christmas play


Maybe I am getting old but it does seem talk of Christmas seems to start earlier every year! We are only just over Halloween and already the shops have festive music, selection boxes and wrapping paper in prominent places!

 
As a trained teacher though there is one place I totally understand preparing early for Christmas and that is schools.There is a presumption that schools and churches will put on an annual nativity play or concert of some sort and the organisation involved in these is tremendous. It takes months of preparation to teach children songs, practice words and prepare costumes. For many children and parents it is the highlight of their year.

 
This year my just turned 8 year old daughter has asked not to be in the Christmas play. 
At first I was bitterly disappointed as Christmas is one of my favourite times of year and both my church and her school put on wonderful shows. But when she told me why she didn’t want to be included I actually cried.

 
I don’t enjoy it at all“, was what she told me.

 
It is my duty as a parent to listen to my children and support them. She has a right to choose. My daughter has selective mutism, anxiety and autism. Being on a stage in front of others, remembering stage directions, song words and wearing itchy costumes is something she finds so stressful. She finds the change of routine difficult and the nose frightening. The thought that everyone is looking at her makes her feel physically sick.

 
I realised I wanted her to be part of it all for all the wrong reasons. I wanted it for me, not for her. I didn’t want her feeling excluded or feeling like she was missing out. In actual fact I was putting her in a situation that made her so uncomfortable and stressed.

 
This year I will watch the church play and her school play and no doubt I will still cry at ‘away in a manger’and beam with pride at little children remembering lines. Instead of watching my little girl perform I will have the beauty of holding her hand as she sits next to me and cheers for her friends. She will sing the songs happily and for the first time I will manage to hear every word as her beautiful voice is right next to my ears. We will laugh together at the fun parts and share the experience in a way she finds relaxing and enjoyable. It will be magical but in a very different way than I imagined. 

 
It took courage for her to be able to tell me something she knew I would find difficult to hear. She knows how much I love watching her do things and she knows how proud I am of her. This year she knows I am extra proud though at the fact she felt she could tell me she doesn’t enjoy being part of the Christmas play.

 
I will never forget her smile and the sparkle in her eyes the night I told her how proud I am of her for not being in the Christmas play this year.

 
It is ok to be different. It is ok to say no sometimes too.