I am the mother of five year old twins. They both have autism spectrum disorder but in many ways they are just two beautiful, funny, loveable children. And, as every parent of young children knows, children think they know everything (even when they can’t speak). So for a bit of fun I thought I would share what life would be like for us all if my two five years olds ruled the world:
1. Mr moon would only ever come out at bedtime and there would be stars every night irrespective of weather conditions.
2. The sun would shine whenever they wanted but never when they are trying to do something like look at a book in the car as then it should vanish so as not to get in their eyes.
3. Lights should come on every time you enter a room but never on full as too much light hurts their eyes.
4. Light switches should all be child level so they can play on and off lights any time they so wish.
5. TV channels should only ever show the programmes they like and never anything scary, naughty or too loud. And never any presenters or other boring bits like adverts in between.
6. Everyone should live in houses with automatic doors as they are much more fun than boring old conventional doors.
7. Everywhere should have lifts as there is nothing better to play with than lifts. They were only invented for the entertainment of children as adults can clearly just use the stairs.
8. As soon as a toy is requested by a child they should have it NOW.
9. Nothing should require being explained. Parents should know everything that ever happens to you, whatever everyone says to you and who you play with at school and nursery.
10. All restaurants should be like macdonalds and have toys with their meals and be ready instantly. No child should ever be made to wait for anything in life.
11. It should snow whenever a child feels like building a snowman. Seasons are something teachers talk about and not related to the weather in any way.
12. Toy shops, museums, soft plays and any children’s centres or clubs should be open whenever children fancy going not just during working hours. Do these managers not realise a child might wake up at 2am wanting to go to soft play?
13. Ice-cream can be eaten any time of day. Why stick to cereal or toast for breakfast? How boring is that.
14. Sprinkles can be put on anything. Fact.
15. Who invented socks with seams? Or lace up shoes? All clothes should be fluffy, warm, comfy and seamless. And have fluffy feet instead of socks or shoes.
16. Baths are for playing in not getting clean in. The more water on the bathroom floor the better.
17. No-one should be allowed to make loud noises without prior warning. Fireworks should be silent, dogs should not bark loudly, and people should never ever shout.
18. Adults should be sent to the naughty step for bad behaviour too!
19. Using picture cards to communicate is the way forward. There is no need for such other things like email, post, or telephones.
20. The answer to every question is yes. Not ‘wait and see’, ‘just a minute’ ‘not now’ or ‘ask dad’. Such vocabulary should be against the law!
21. Mums should be able to read your mind. They should know exactly what you want to eat, what you want to wear and where you want to go at all times without any need for communication.
22. Everywhere you go should be in the same direction, preferably on the route to school so as not to confuse them.
23. Homework should be abolished. Home is for fun and playing not learning! Who would ever learn anything from being at home?
24. Other children are only useful for having different toys to explore. After you have seen their toys and licked them or lined them up they have no other purpose.
25. Bedtime is when people are tired. If that is 4pm or 4am then what difference does it make?
26. Likewise getting up time is whenever you wake up. Why waste hours in bed when you could be playing? So the house is dark..that’s what lights are for!
27. Wifi should be everywhere: In the car, while you shop, in school and nursery and even at the dinner table. Do other people not realise you are watching something on you tube? How will you ever know what happens to the teletubbies if the internet goes off?
28. You tube should know your favourite 20 seconds of clip from your favourite video and automatically have it on repeat for you all day long.
29. Everyone should wear pull ups. Why would you want to interrupt what you are doing to go to another room just to pee?
30. Mummy should never ever leave you. What if you get scared, or have an accident, or randomly think of something you want to tell her about something you remembered from last summer? She should always have drinks and snacks available too wherever you are.
31. Nothing should need paid for. If you want it why should money and cost come into it. You just put it on the belt, get it ‘beeped’ then press numbers in a machine. How does that stop you having what you want?
32. Holidays should be whenever you want. If it is sunny you should go to the beach not to school. If it is snowing you build snowmen. If it is raining you splash in puddles all day. School is only for the times in between.
33. Made up rules are the best. Why go down snakes in a game when that means you might lose? Why turn only two cards over to match them up when you will never find the one you want unless you turn them all over? If you are losing just change the rules so you win. That works much better.
34. School and nursery should start when you have had time to finish playing first. And end when you get bored.
35. Washing machines are great entertainment, as are boxes, buttons, coat hangers and pegs of any sort.
36. Everybody needs a teddy bear. You never know when you might need a cuddle.
37. Bubbles should be everywhere.
38. Wall paper should come with colouring pens so you can make it any colour you want whenever you want.
39. Floors should be made of rubber so you never hurt yourself when you fall.
40. It is still ok to want to be carried. Sometimes life gets too overwhelming and we all need picked up and carried to safety.
Maybe the country really should be run by 5 year olds after all. Anyone fancy a game of snakes and ladders…