It started before the meeting even began. Emails, phone calls and discussions between you all to synchronise diaries and finalise a time and location that suited everyone. Everyone, of course, except the insignificant mother. My diary was never checked. No-one asked if the time suited me or if the location was convenient. As long as the ‘professionals’ are fine with it that is what matters apparently.
You all had weeks of notice. I received the letter in the post just days before. You all knew the agenda, I didn’t.
So here we are all sat around the table. I notice you all smartly dressed, folders and pens at the ready and reports all prepared, while I sit there in yesterday’s clothes trying to remember if I got around to brushing my teeth this morning or not.
Introduction are done and apologies made, yet a few chairs still lie empty. It seems some of you have not turned up, again. I realise that every person in the room is paid to be there, except me. This is everyday stuff to you all. Meeting are your norm. Not for me. I am not sure what you all think I do all day or even what you all think of me at all. What I do know is that none of you feel I am important enough to be given a title. The sign in sheet asked me to list my profession and just as I went to write ‘parent’ one of you says ‘you can just leave that bit blank’.
You all get your turn at discussing my child like you know them so well. I want to scream at you when you don’t even say his name right or know his age. I am told to wait my turn. Each person talks about my child like he is a number. He is just one of your case load, a child you will soon move on from, either by discharging or he moves on to another class. I guess I am at least thankful you made the effort to come. Sadly some of your fellow professionals never even gave my son that honour.
I wonder if I will ever get to speak. I have no prepared report to give you all or targets I have achieved. He made it to school today, does that count? He even had breakfast..that surely gives me bonus points?
“Mum, do you have anything to add”, so you actually noticed I was there after all! I have lots I could say but does it really matter? If I disagree with anything said it gets recorded as ‘not engaging with professionals’, if I talk about home life I am reminded ‘we must stick to the points in question’, if I ask to be reminded of something that was discussed ‘we have covered that point and you will be able to read it in the minutes’. What do you actually want me to say? What you really want is me to tell you all how wonderful you are and how grateful I am for your input. You want me to pat you on the back and boost your ego and bow down to your authority. You all hold the power in these things and I am just the insignificant mum.
The meeting closes. You all return to your cosy offices, your clinic appointments and your computers.
I return home to the non verbal screaming child. I return home to the little girl refusing to eat. You can tick you box to say you had your meeting, you can record who attended and who didn’t. Please do send me the minutes to file away with the large pile of reports and factsheets I have already.
One day I may get around to reading them. Right now I have a diary full of hospital appointments and two children who need a huge amount of support. You may like to record at your next meeting that the person providing all this support day and night, unpaid, and out of love, is the insignificant mother.
Insignificant to professionals maybe, but hugely significant and loved by the two people who count the most.