My heart rejoices but my eyes still cry

I can be happy for you. I know I can. I am a mum too. I understand pride in your child. I get why you want to share because I do too.
You see my heart rejoices with you when you post about your child’s achievements. I click ‘like’ or comment because all children are worthy of celebrating and because I want you to know I care.
Yet sometimes my eyes still cry.
When you post about your oldest starting university. I KNOW without a shadow of doubt what a big moment that is. I know because I made it to university and my parents were so proud of me too. My heart rejoices at how far your child has come and the immense pride this brings you. I also want your son or daughter to know that this is huge for them too. So I am right with you while you celebrate.
Yet sometimes my eyes still cry.
When you post those beautiful and funny videos of your young child singing and dancing I watch them over and over. I can’t get enough of them. The joy and excitement and beauty in your posts and pictures give me such a buzz too. Your little ones brighten my day with their smart clothes, cheeky grins, and silly faces. You make my Monday morning blues disappear with your funny stories and kids selfies.
Yet sometimes my eyes still cry.
I brood over your baby pics. I get so much joy from your wedding photos. And oh that pride and anxiety you feel at your child’s’ first day at school pics; I feel that too when I see your baby so smart and ready for a big adventure. Your holiday pics brighten the rainiest day and I admit I feel a little jealous at your beautiful body and tanned skin. You always remind me that life is for living so I look at your pics and like them. Not because I have to but because I am delighted for you. I really am.
Yet sometimes my eyes still cry.
I don’t want them to but it just happens. I am not really sad and you are not upsetting me but a part of me knows that my life is different.
But I won’t be bitter. Because that does not help me and it robs you of some of your joy and delight if you think you are making me sad.
So please don’t worry about it if you see a tear drop from my eye or I look away for a moment.
I am actually not sad.
I am dreaming.
Dreaming of the day my son may one day dance like your little one. Dreaming of the day I can post a video of him saying ‘mummy’ and making silly faces with me. Dreaming of how happy I would be to post pictures of him if he achieved like your beautiful babies do.
Right now I don’t have that. But one day in my dreams I will.
One day I will post holiday pics of us splashing in a pool together on a sunny day. One day I will post a video of him at Christmas singing jingle bells. He may be a grown up by then but I will celebrate just the same, because achievements are achievements at any age. My timescale and your timescale may be different but I rejoice with you none the less.
Keep sharing your joy. Keep sharing your pride. I need reminded that life is wonderful and joyous and not filled with hospital trips and therapies and struggles. I need to see your baby laughing because I don’t hear laughter as much as I should with my baby.
Thank you for sharing your life and your children and your stories. You bring me joy, and encouragement, and you help me dream on.
I can be happy for you. I know I can. I will not be bitter because I love you and rejoice with you. We journey in this together. Much of my journey is still a dream but that is ok.
Keep me dreaming. Keep me smiling.
Keep my heart rejoicing when my eyes still cry.

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9 thoughts on “My heart rejoices but my eyes still cry

  1. Pingback: My heart rejoices but my eyes still cry | faithmummy

  2. You describe it so well, as always. ❤️ I can relate to this, but for different reasons- my daughter died and I still want to see and hear about the achievements of her peers and celebrate for them despite our sadness and loss.

    Liked by 1 person

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