I tried to find myself and realised I was lost

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When you have children you expect it to be all consuming…for a season. It comes with the territory to have more nights in than nights out, to swap posh restaurants for McDonald’s and to exchange studying for homework with the children. The pre-school years are supposed to be difficult, tiring and challenging. But the light at the end of the tunnel is that one day soon they will go to school and you will start to get your life back…at least to a degree. And as they go to high school and later college or university and gain more and more independence, so as a parent you get more and more ‘me’ time to restore the balance in your life.

But sometimes the child you gave birth to, held in your arms and sang nursery rhymes to, just isn’t developing like they should. And one day you realise the likelihood of them living independently, marrying or holding down a full-time job is a reality not entirely guaranteed.

I love my children, but I found the pre-school years of raising my twins very challenging, physically as well as emotionally. Somewhere during that season I lost myself.

I lost my excitement in the continuous nappy changes (which are still ongoing).
I lost my spark in the hours of never-ending sleepless nights. (Still having those too!)
I lost my enthusiasm in the cooking, cleaning, bathing and caring for two growing children who required so much attention. (Still doing all that too!)
I lost my heart in the discovery that both my babies had autism.
I lost my hope in finding out my child had an inherited genetic condition causing him to grow tumours throughout his body.
I lost countless tears trying to teach my child to speak (He is still not speaking)
I lost friends when we realised our lives were going in different directions and I could not join in the parenting boasting game.
I lost sleep worrying how my children would ever catch up with others and survive in school.
I lost my pride begging for help when it seemed overwhelming.
I lost my strength in the never-ending battles for support.

Caring becamee all-encompassing. Autism became a way of life. When the day came and my children finally started school I was sat writing social stories, printing out visuals, finding games to support them or researching online to help them. And when I wasn’t focussed on my own children I was supporting other families in the same situation. I had redefined ‘me’. I lost myself in my children and their needs. I lost part of me to autism.

A friend asked me recently how I was enjoying my free time now both my children were both at school. I had to think twice about what free time even was!

I thought my children were lost in the world of autism. It turns out I have been trying to find myself recently and realised I am just as lost as they are, if not more.

There is more to me than being a carer. There is more to me that being an autism parent. For my own sanity and mental health I need to find who I am again. Did you know you can be a wonderful parent, a great carer and even a warrior autism mum and still do something else besides look after your children full-time? In fact I am sure the more I actually find myself the better I will be at the rest of it all.

I have gained so much as a person, a mother, a wife and a friend these last few years. Raising two children with autism is making me stronger, more confident, more out-going and more aware of others. I have become resourceful, educated, thick-skinned and bolder. I cry more but I also celebrate more. I have learnt to listen when there are no words to hear and pray like I have never prayed before. I am a different ‘me’ to the one I was six years ago.

I tried to find myself recently and I thought I was lost. It turns out I have just been cocooned in a world of caring, disability, the high support needs of my children and everything else that has entailed. It is now time to take hold of all I have gained and rediscover me.

I want to thank these two for making me a better ”me’ than I ever thought I could be.

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