January is often a time of reflection for me. A new year; a fresh start. As I approach the second anniversary of my blog at the end of this month I have also been reading back at my own journey. I never knew my own writing would make me so emotional. It has brought back memories and when every day seems the same as the next, it has been nice to see that my children have actually progressed, even if it seems we have been stuck at times. And I have come so far.
When I started this blog I never thought that two years later I would still be writing. But here I am.
And as if to prove a point to me, my son chose this very week to suddenly do something he has never let me do before (well not since he was less than a year old). At six years and two months old he let me read a book to him for the first time since he was a baby.
Sometimes pictures speak louder than words:
This was what my twins looked like when I was last able to ready to them both together:
And this is what they looked like this week when instead of reading to just my daughter I had the privilege of sharing the moment with Isaac too:
We have come so far!
I also came across an old note I wrote on my Facebook account this week. I wrote it back in October 2012, a month before the children had their fourth birthday and three months prior to me starting blogging. It is a poem I wrote for Isaac and I thought it might be good to share, as even though we are still dealing with nappies and we still have no speech, it shows how far I have come and the picture I posted back then shows how far Isaac has come on too.
I’m sorry son
I’m sorry I reversed the car today
When I know it disturbs you and makes you cry
And instead of offering comfort
I got angry and screamed at you “Why?”
When I carried you into the house
heated your milk, sat in ‘your’ seat
But forgot you won’t drink from a bottle
Just because you had shoes on your feet!
I’m sorry you still can’t speak to me
and today that was driving me mad
Your frustrations at trying to communicate
at the moment are just making me sad
Your sister set up a train set
but you destroyed it and pulled it apart
As she cried in my arms at your actions
I cried with her and just broke my heart
I’m sorry I almost force-fed you
when you refused all the options I’d tried
You were staring into space when I dressed you
But I was still so annoyed when you cried
I’m sorry you can’t look at my face
or respond when I’m calling your name
You’d rather pull out DVD’s
over and over again
I’m sorry you’re still wearing nappies
I didn’t expect it aged 4
I’m sorry you wanted to escape
when the gas man came to the door
My son I need to say sorry
Tomorrow we will both start anew
With patience, understanding, forgiveness
And a promise that I will always love you.
We have come so far!
And it isn’t just me. When your child receives a diagnosis of autism, neurofibromatosis type 1, global developmental delay, or anything else for that matter, the entire family has to learn to cope with it. And we don’t all cope in the same way.
I have struggled at times. My husband has struggled at times. But this week I caught a moment on camera that pictures the journey we have all made so well. Here is my precious baby boy in the arms of his daddy flapping and laughing with delight:
It has been a difficult two years since I began blogging. It has been a challenging six years since the twins were born. But everyday we are making progress. And looking back helps me see that.
My first ever blog was called ‘The journey thus far…’ Now I can look back and say with confidence ‘we have come so far’. And one day I may even be able to sit down with my twins and share some of their own journey with them. I finally have hope that could happen.