It will get better, I promise

“Blood mummy. Blood mummy.” she cried just as I was trimming her finger nails.

The tiniest nick. But lots of tears. And plenty of blood.

If there is something sure to get my baby girl upset it is blood. She becomes hysterical at the sight of it. I just know it will be one of those stories I will hear repeated and repeated and repeated and will never be allowed to forget. But in the meantime I have to clear up blood that is pouring like a river and comfort a little girl who has gone into overdrive.

So dad wraps her finger in some kitchen paper. And I get some plasters.

“No mummy, not a plaster” she screams.The sight of the first aid box just made her ten times worse.

She doesn’t want a visual reminder of her pain. She wants it gone. She doesn’t want anyone else to see her wounds. She just wants to get better. I don’t have time to sit and explain or prepare her for the fact a simple plaster will make it all better. I even try a children’s plaster with lovely pictures on. She pulls the finger away dripping blood everywhere.

And the tears keep coming as fast, if not faster, than the blood from her finger.

We don’t do unpredictable very well in our house. We do routine, structure, preparation, This isn’t as much the pain that is causing her stress this is the look of blood, the not knowing what we are doing, the people being too close to her, the mass of sensory feelings her body is getting bombarded with. This is fear. This is the thought that things will never ever be better.

Plasters don’t work. So mummy held her 5 year old baby in her arms and firmly held kitchen towel over the small but highly distressing wound. To her this is massive. And I understand that.

“It will get better, I promise.” I whisper.

Slowly but surely it does of course. But her emotions and heart beat and adrenalin need to catch up with reality. That takes time. The comfort of being held and spoken to softly help. She is holding onto that promise. Though she has no visual sign of the reality she is trusting.

“It will get better, I promise.”

A little cream, a firm wrapping of kitchen paper and some micropore tape to hold it down does the trick. For now though she knows she is different. She feels that everyone will stare at her. She feels emotionally vulnerable and ready to cry at the slightest thing. The pain is still raw. Her mind can not yet think of anything else other than that cut. Everwhere she looks is obvious reminders of the pain. Drips of blood on her pyjamas, on the seat and on mummy’s clothes. Drips that right now seem massive. But to someone who has no knowledge of the situation they may even go unnoticed.

I remind her clothes can wash. Chairs can be cleaned.

“It will get better, I promise.”

Image

Two bedtime stories later and a little more reassurance and she was asleep. Tomorrow that little cut will be much better. In a few days time it will seem much less dramatic. The memory will be there of course. The trauma will still be there too. But in time that will fade a little. As I promised her, it will get better.

And I can promise you things will get better too.

Sometimes life is like tonight and suddenly something traumatic and overwhelming happens. And you may not be prepared. You child got diagnosed with autism, your marriage ended, you became ill, you lose your job, your landlord wants to sell your house, there is a death in the family.  Life has a way of throwing things like this at us. And just like my daughter when she saw that sight of blood, panic sets in.

Although my daughter is too young to voice it, she was probably thinking, like we all do,

‘How will I ever get over this? How can I stop this from happenin?. Can someone help me? Please just let this stop!’

It is ok to feel like that. It is natural.

Let people help. The right person can come along with that first aid kit, and that reasurring loving voice and tell you,

“It will get better, I promise.”

At first you see the plaster, that visual reminder that something is wrong, and you might panic more. You think everyone will see your pain. You feel vulnerable, insecure, broken. We all feel like that at times. It is ok to cry. When it all seems temporarily overwhemling crying is instinctive. It is part of the shock release. Sometimes it is the pain that is the issue and other times it is the thought that everything has changed, the not knowing what to do now, the sensory overwhelment of it all.

In that period of being wounded, of needing comfort, of being confused and emotionally vulnerable we all need the security of resting in someone’s arms. In my times of need I am so thankful for the loving arms of my Father God. Of being able to find refuge in the shelter of his wings. But we need people too. Friends to comfort us and keep reasurring us that it will get better. We need helped. Supported. Loved.

You may have to go through a period like my daughter of knowing you are different. I know when my children were both diagnosed with autism I suddenly realised how different life was for me. I thought my ‘wound’ was so obvious to everyone. I felt the pain and hurt would never go away. It felt like everday I was reminded of the fact my children were not like others. I felt like everyone would see that ‘cut’ and ask all about it. I seemed like I was dripping reminders of autism everywhere I went. I felt sad, alone, confused, vulnerable.

But time heals so well. I rested. And one day the wound was no longer raw. My children still had autism, just like my daughter still had that cut. But the diagnosis day became a memory. Sometimes, like Naomi, I want to replay it and talk about it. And that is ok. We just need to find the right people to listen. But things have moved on. When Naomi wants to talk about the day her finger got cut I will listen and comfort once again if the momory restirs emotions, but I will be reminding her that it got better.

She can’t keep that bandage on forever. It would not be healthy. I can’t keep going back to diagnosis day either. It happened. And things changed. But you know what? It got better. I grew as a result. I learnt, I became more compassionate, and I found new friends along the way too.

In the year I have been blogging; In the 13 months since we found out my son and husband have an incurable tumour condition; in the 18 months since Isaac was diagnosed as classic autism, global developmental delay and pica; in the 3 months since my daughter was also diagnosed as having autism; in the 4 months since we found out Isaac is visually impaired: these words have been my comfort, my strength and my hope.

It will get better, I promise.

Let them comfort you and bring you hope today too, whatever you are facing.

It will get better, I promise.

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6 thoughts on “It will get better, I promise

  1. Tomorrow is another day but when you are down you cant see a brighter tomorrow. Then suddenly when you least expect it, something happens that brightens your day. It could be a remark from a child, someone appreciating your help or just being happy in your enviroment. Miriam your blogs are so uplifting they brighten up the day.

    Like

  2. As always a great post … word of warning YS now almost 15 ALWAYS remembers all incidents like this and it sometimes takes a very long time to cut finger and toe nails as a result.

    Like

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